A chant of nononononononotagainpleasenotagainnotthisnopleasenotherenotthis. Not this, not again. No, no please. No feelings, just a crushing weight and not understanding why and not being able to escape. Trying hard, and yet failing and falling harder every time, and having the feeling of getting up only to have the rug pulled out from under your feet again.
It's been a bad week. I feel like crying all the time now. I want more than anything to do well, but it feels like I just fail at everything I try at and I've started to not even care anymore. I'm scared and anxious and depressed and it feels like there's a bowling ball in my stomach that keeps me from being happy. I feel like I'm unfeeling, I can't understand emotion anymore. I offend people without meaning to because I don't know what to say or how to speak and everyone knows when I smile I don't mean it. I don't want to be like this again, and I know it can't get any worse than it was last year, I don't want to go back to that, not ever, but I can't help it. I'm scared.
I know this is barely a show entry, but I wanted to do an entry for Otachi this week, and I just couldn't make anything happy or show-y. Sorry, no story this week. Thinking of doing something next week. I've always wanted to use 'The Tempest', so maybe next time.